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My Pet Man -- A Letter of Complaint

To the manager of Once U-paw-natime Pet Co:

I’m writing today to express my frustration with a recent purchase I made at your store. On Friday of last week, I went to Once U-paw-natime (the Queens location) to purchase a pet frog. One of your employees, a young man with a ponytail (I did not catch his name), kindly showed me an assortment of frogs and helped me select a terrarium, food, and a mineral supplement. I purchased a male African dwarf frog called “Prince” along with all necessary equipment. In total, this cost me $73.99. I can provide the necessary documentation.

However, after scarcely two days at home with Prince, things began to go awry. I awoke on Monday to find that Prince had grown rapidly overnight, not only wider, but taller. Worried that I had overfed him, I decided to cut down his meal size. This did nothing. The next morning, I found that Prince had sprouted human-like legs and arms and had broken out of his terrarium. Soon after that, Prince developed ears, a nose, a mouth, and other human facial features. It is now Friday, exactly a week after I made my purchase, and Prince has not only developed a full beard, but is making exponential progress with his language skills. Frustratingly, the area he’s learned best is the imperative mood. All day, it’s “feed me!” or “kiss me!” or “do the laundry!” or “stop making such a big deal of things!” or “chill out!” I have not been able to go to work for the past week because whenever I attempt to go outside, Prince begins to scream “don’t leave me!” so loudly that I worry the neighbors will notice.

Prince is, literally, a demanding pet. In no way has my experience owning Prince been as advertised. Your company pulled a bait-and-switch on me that, frankly, strikes me as pure fraudulence. I purchased Prince with the intention of having a pet frog, and instead there is a man in my home who refuses to leave.

What outrages me most of all, though, is the disrespect that your employees showed me when I called the store to explain my situation. I spoke this morning with a woman named Christine, who not only made light of my distress, but asked me if I had been “having sexy times” with Prince at home. These insinuations are insulting and, I’m sure you will agree, unacceptable.

My experience at Once U-Paw-natime disappointed me deeply, and while there is nothing that can fully compensate me for the damage done, I think that a good first step would be a toadal refund and the immediate removal of Prince from my home.

You can reach me at 123-456-7891. I hope to hear from you soon.


Ann Phoebe N.

180 Well Street

Queens, NY 11354

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